I'm bad at saying things. Describing my feelings face to face. I'm terribly bad at it, i prefer to write it all down. Like right now. All i want is screaming, scream till my lungs lose its air. Till my throat sore. Till there's no voice coming out from my vocal cords. This heavy crucifying feelings that i've been carried killing me. No one seems understand, and I can't expect them to understand what i feel.
I keep convincing myself that i'll be alright. I'll be alright to choose this path, to let someone's go because I didn't feel he wants me back like i still want him as much as before. Read it again and you might say I'm pathetic. To hang a hope where no one would took it, to fall where nobody would lift, and to believe in nothing. He said,"You're the girl of my heart." I really want to believe.. but if I assuredly what he said, then why I didn't feel he's trying to hold me back from going away? He said,"Be smart. Open your mind and be positive tell me when you do."
A feeling has nothing to do with mind. It's all in your heart. And it's all about how you show it by act or just the way you do.Based on a words.. It really have a lot of meaning, and i don't want to misunderstanding it.
This is something related to what will i do. What will i choose. What will i think. What my life would be. And what would i decide. "Learn to understand what people really means when they say a word." He said.
I do understand what he said. But that's only what i think i understand and there must be an understanding. We can't talk in riddle if you talking about what you feel. It has to be straight to the point.
At a moment i'm happy for my thought. But then, i open my mind as he said, and realize.. If i really do a girl of his heart then why i didn't feel like one? Every single night my mind cross to 7 months before. From the very first time we met, our first lunch, laughing at The Viking's Girl which was our Office Girl, I secretly take attention at what he's wearing, missing him at night and want's morning to come faster so i could see him again. He for being such my spirit from the first time we met... I never feel that way before, not a single man could ever make me feel that way.
He makes me feel alive, and he also could took that feeling from me. He just don't know how big his influenced in my life since he came. He never know what he already done to me in a good way. I once had a relationship where we're plan it too far. There's nothing wrong in having a dream as high as where alien lives but you have to keep it balance, where you're feet, mind, sanity still in ground to achieve all that dream or goal. That was my first real love. I'm willing to give him my everything and left me with nothing. If i'm an animal, i'm not the tabby one, there's a wild and arrogant side of lion inside this crab. I'm difficult, my mother can handle me either. But with this person, i'm trying my best to fix everything bad in me, for making me a better person. Throw all the bad nature and replace it with better one. I failed him for so many times.
And i'm starting to scared... Scared that he would go from me ever since. But i decide not to think about it and keep on going.
I admit i'm losing it for quite often. I said stupid things. I did silly act. and i dissapointed him a lot.
I, the girl with hell level of ego, begging him to stay. But he didn't reply, didn't take it seriously, didn't even pay attention. He doesn't how hard it was to write it down.
once we talked about it, he talked in riddle. Which was the last thing I wanna do.
I dont want to guessing how it really goes between us. I don't want to having another false expectation that would lead me straight to massive heartache. Then i decide, to go. And being positive.. If i really mean anything to him.. Maybe now, later, someday, one day, another year, another life... he would try everything to have me back in his arms. only.. If i really mean something. But even if he didn't try to have me back in his arms, then he's just another person who has been accompany me these past 7 months. Giving me great lesson, magnificent kiss, warmth hug ever, and a face that i really like to stare, also his snore that can't bother my sleep, in fact i like it, it means he's alive and sleep right there beside no one else but me. Yeah... He will remain that person :)
I don't know you'll read this or not. I don't really care and didn't expect either. But if you do read this, i bet you never make it to reach this line because i know you're so lazy to read something overreact like this. I know you... once.. But not anymore now, you're out of reach. I can't reach you. But i stupidly still in love with you.
But as you said, i have to be smart, open minded and be positive. But you didn't remind me to being realistic? why? But I already did what you said to me, plus i make an improvisation. I open my mind, be realistic, and yet still be positive among these sadness.
When i said i bid adieu to your life. That's when i'm being realistic, i have to. Because i can't live in uncertainty we caused. I love you, more than anyone i ever loved. You should be proud of it really, because its barely happen in my life hahaha.
Gra, you will always remain in my heart. Gra. Is a word that i would never forget. This post i dedicated for you. either you read it or not. It's for you.
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